My dog is two years old today. That time has gone by, and she is a wonderful companion. If I didn’t have her, I would be alone. She at least fills a bit of that void. Tonight is neighborhood night out in the United States. I need to really go out and interact with my neighbors but I don’t feel like it. I’ll probably stay home and watch a movie after a walk with Shae. I’m feeling disconnected today. I guess that is a definition of depression in my life. I’m clearly in a state of mind I am trying to share as some guide to living our lives. I’m just expressing my state of mind without a need for fixes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my decisions lately. They are based upon where my life has landed today. I have little interaction with my kids. It is not a question of their love for me. I am acknowledging they have busy lives. They are in their 30’s and I am in my 60’s. Our lives are completely different I suppose. My whole motivation lately is to let them have their lives and if they want to connect with me, they know how to reach me. I try to recall my contact with my parents when I was in my 30’s. We would visit on the way back from the cabin, but oftentimes we would just drive past on our way home. It sometimes bothered me. Sometimes I just didn’t feel like stopping in, I didn’t feel completely welcome in my head and these were my parents. I often felt like we were too busy and I just wanted to go home.

Contentment in our lives can be challenging. We are told we can be capable of taking care of ourselves on our own based upon how we live our lives. “Be careful not to let your thoughts take you down” is a common adage. We’re expected to know how to turn our lives around. Today is a good example of being caught in a cycle of mild despair. I’m not completely overwhelmed, otherwise if I were I wouldn’t be able to write this at all. Instead, I am trying my best to dig through the mire. It is easy to forget who we are and how far we have come. Knowing that we can be and are a good person can be a struggle. We’ve made mistakes in our lives. I acknowledge all of mine, and I think that plays a huge role in my ability to give myself a break. On the other hand, when I can realize some of the good in my life it becomes easier. 

The other thing I tend to forget is the freedoms I have in this country. I have my shelter and my ability to go where I want in my world without fear of mortal reprisal. I have been paying attention to Gaza and it breaks my heart. I don’t just rest my anxiety upon them. I think about the homeless and abandoned in my own country and have to with effort realize the fortunes of my own life. People with nothing at all can be far happier than someone loaded to the teeth. That’s an interesting and challenging concept to believe in every day of our lives. We have to be conscious enough to be satisfied so we can maintain a peace of mind.

Writing gives me an outlet. The same patterns of behavior are still there. What’s important is that we acknowledge time. Looking into the future can sometimes be as debilitating as trying to understand our past. The present moment is our best chance at being able to live life in a manner that allows us to be who we are. We have choices, and we need to allow them to occur in our lives. Using that model of thinking, it can sometimes be easier than obsessing over the past or what lies in our future. The time is now and if writing about my state of mind pulls me out of my confusion, then I will continue to practice that approach. 

Have a happy evening and go celebrate your night out with your neighbors in the United States. Or simply go say hi to your neighbors whereever you may be. Remember kindness for all of it’s magic. Grab a beer or a coke and smile and laugh together. It will all feel well.