Suicide and Loss

My dog has been looking at me all night. She’ll sit upright on the couch and eyes on me, she’ll seem like she wants an explanation for my state of mind. She’s done that before and I find it endearing. Tonight, I’m struggling with it because she appears to know how fragile I feel this evening. As humans we always struggle with loss, no matter the temperature. We have confusion, and fear, and disbelief all wrapped together in a puzzle we must sometimes find a solution to on our own.

Tonight, I got together with a friend and spoke about the circumstances of the last few days. He was as shocked as me to learn of the death of my therapist. Tonight I just want to call someone, but I don’t know who. I wish sometimes if we believed in such a manner that God would send that call to us. That in the most difficult times of our life, someone might reach out to us. I’m trying really hard to just weather the storm, sort of speak, and understand that life is not always so easy as a well wrapped solution.

I spoke at length to my therapist about my darkest moments. She presented me with an attentive ear and offered me solace during those difficult times. She was my social worker, not my friend to be sure. We must maintain that level of professionalism even in times of this nature. Tonight, I’m coming to terms with the truth. We are all human and as fallible as the next person in our lives. For me, my therapist. I keep saying that over and over in my head. I know clearly that I have no role in this person’s untimely death. Sometimes though that gray area is really difficult to sift through.

I’ve lost people to unexpected death before, and all it does is leave an array of anger, disbelief, confusion, tears, and loss and sadness. Though we might know well, human nature, we can never predict accurately the actions of those around us struggling with the mental illness that leads to suicide. They call it a disease, an affliction that when caught up in it, there is a difficulty with seeing it before it inevitably plays itself out. 

So tonight, I’m mourning the loss of someone I know who is truly loved by her family and friends. I did a little research and found in the memorials and testaments of her obituary page, that there is a flood of support and pain left behind with her early exit. That is what the ugliness of suicide leaves behind.

I guess what I’ll finish with is what we hear time and time again. Call someone, reach out, don’t let yourself be alone. The truth is that is all we have or need.

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline