Waiting

A lot of time went by. When once everything seemed to be moving in a smooth course, there were some rough waters that seemed to be part of life. Fast rewind to six years ago, and my world fell apart. My marriage dissolved, I was left trying to imagine a relationship with my kids. They are young adults, and I remember expressing relief that they weren’t in their teens or younger. What happened next is they had their own adjustments to go through, and everything took a long time for everyone to find some element of comfort. For me, personally, though I didn’t change dramatically, there were things I definitely needed to address. I did, in a manner of speaking, and that leaves me where I am today. Without sounding more self-serving, I had to recreate my identity, and now today that seems to be comfortably evolving.

I moved into an apartment, retired from my job, and began to wonder what lay ahead. I remember believing I had failed, nothing more. Waking up every day in a corner apartment with good lighting and circulation just didn’t add up to family homes that I lived in for over 30 years. Suddenly, I was that guy, single and divorced living in a townhome village. Unbeknownst to me about a quarter of the tenants were divorced or left fending for themselves in a single state of mind.

A week into my new life, Covid struck, and now I was in ‘shelter in place’ for the better part of a year. I struggled for a couple years to be content with myself alone, much less living in that new unfamiliar environment. Doors would open and shut throughout my building and I would wake to the sound, imagining my doors at home, and then I would roll over and try to will it all away. Somewhere I needed to accept my surroundings. It was welcoming in many aspects of my life, but the loneliness was ravaging. I spent hours a day sitting in my chair, writing bad poetry and weeping. 

I remember wondering a long time about the meaning of love. My children both told me on separate occasions that they needed me around. A brief statement like that meant the world to me, and pulled me through the early days of my ‘new lifestyle.’ In spite of all the struggles I’d endured over the course of my marriage, I still missed that which I could no longer have. The idea of a relationship to me, seemed impossible to conceptualize, everything one could lay upon themselves of losing sight, stood right before my eyes. Slowly I began to piece things together. I went to the garden center one afternoon, and came home with around 20 plants that today give my home a lovely zen. I set up a room of candles, too. That was the beginning. Years later, fast forward, here I am now settled into my apartment, that I call my personal refuge. I don’t have a lot of visitors, and I’m remarkably comfortable with that. I’ve practiced finding my confidence, and it does slowly evolve even in the worst of times.

I can see lights ahead of me, if only, I allow myself to live my life and let the waiting settle in with me and my dog.