Going Forward

I think about where I am today. Sitting in my chair and scrolling social media, with the national news in the background. Looking for inspiration, I listen to the news trying to determine what is devastating versus natural. In our world currently, the historic actions of the United States leaves a lot of our people in disbelief, growing tired with its frightening leadership.

In my own personal life, I still struggle daily with the reality of where my life has landed in the last half a decade. Living alone at first was terribly difficult, many days feeling lost and hopeless. The one saving grace was having a relationship with my children. That slowly built itself back in the next few years. Today, I am confident of both their involvement in my life. To add, my daughter has three beautiful children I can call my grandkids. There is something really special about that.

I’m trying really hard to keep my focus upon moving forward. I feel it is my opportunity to create my identity, having gone through things I wasn’t happy with but now feeling like I am coming out of it all with strength and courage to go forward. I find I have the ability to continue to define myself rather than tear it apart with guilt and shame. My life has slowed down considerably, so my anxiety becomes less and less. But the time is occasionally excruciating. 

So today, I’m looking at my calendar. Last night before I fell asleep I had a bit of a catharsis in that I realized I have a lot to do in my life. How I am going to manifest this is the next question I have, and I believe it will take a lot of time. If I can get the rudder in the water, things could turn out well but the years will continue. I look forward to how that new identity grows and defines itself over the time ahead of me. I have the resources, now I wish to act upon them. I can feel life when I thrive as much as I do when I fail.