Standing Still

This is a place I find myself daily. Nothing blatant or defineable, just a state of mind, leaves me helpless and running in place. I always wake up thinking about my worth. My thoughts go immediately to my kids, and then my career. I want my kids to want me in their lives, and not simply be secondary. It’s a feeling I often realize I’m making up on my own. Seems natural to weigh the heaviness on myself without any resolution. That is the path of my life and only I can change it. I have glimpses, probably every day. Those are when I let myself just be, rather than always being in, “I gotta fix it mode.”

I think when we find ourselves far away, it’s important to find those outlets – meditation, exercise, a good walk, a hot shower, and favorite meals. Reading a book, doing simple things that don’t take a lot of effort, just give rewards instead. These are just a few examples of what we are always told will help us avoid funks altogether. Spending time with my dog is probably my favorite outlet – unconditional, spontaneous, cannot complain about those rewards.

Living with anxiety is what stalls me. I worry about perception most of the time. Even though I led a successful career, I don’t always give myself a lot of credit because of the way it ended. My life was an absolute mess and I couldn’t focus on what was good in my life. I suppose you could call it a brief sabbatical from life. It took me a while to balance my needs, and that’s where social anxiety can come into play. The idea of standing still being a metaphor for my identity plays out pretty true in my mind. I want to step forward, but sometimes I’m afraid to do so. The more I become confident with my outlets, the better I feel despite the effort.

I’m not quite sure yet where I’m going with all of this. I suppose it is just helpful to me to get the words down, and then process them later. There was a time I wouldn’t share anything like this when I was gainfully employed. Now living in retirement with a lot of peace in my life it is easier to just be real. It’s a process that somewhere along the way I want to find a route, some way I can actually put this all together in a manner that a reader will resonate. Until that time, I appreciate your patience.