Then there’s that chemical imbalance theory

I’ve struggled with psychiatric medication most of my adult life. My first battles with depression were pretty uneventful, simply lack of motivation in a lot of avenues. I really didn’t know what it meant to be depressed except to hear the explanations – lack of interest, motivation, self harm, hopelessness. Those were all degrees of concern for me in my own life.

I had strong contributors that exacerbated my state of mind. I had a drinking problem that led clearly to moments of low self-esteem and lack of confidence. It always seemed the alcohol was a solution to my personal struggles with my comfort level around others, so I relied upon it to help me escape my own insecurities. Naturally it evolved to a strong indicator of alcohol dependence leaving behind any element of self – control. Addiction began to show itself early on in my young adult life.

On so many occasions I would measure my self worth by the ability to look normal in settings where obvious signs of my addictive behavior were contributing to my demise. It was far easier to escape into my alcohol and drugs than face my demons. I experienced consequences that hung around until I was finally able to accept its negative influence on my life. Addiction became more plausible than simple alcoholism. It defined my strengths and weaknesses without any measure of comfort in my ability to cope with outcomes.

Enter the chemical imbalance theory. I have lived with a diagnosis now for a little over a decade. I went on several different runs with anti-depressants, never really feeling confident in their impacts on my life. Many times I would stop taking them because I would justify their inability to address the deep caverns of discomfort in my life. I would move back to using alcohol and exacerbating my addiction to cope. They never helped. 

When my depression was finally compared to anxiety in my life, it was then I could feel a difference as I began to recognize how anti-depressants were prevalent in my life. It was then I first began to understand the definition of a chemical imbalance. Now today, though the insecurities of my addictions still remain in my life, my acceptance of certain degrees of stepping off a stable medication regime exist, and probably will the rest of my life. 

As I take a prescription of medically purposed medication, I also am more aware of the benefit of anti-depressants and their effect on my state of mind. I’m happy to know that my anxiety is real and there truly are solutions to help reduce their impact upon my life. As well, my knowledge of sobriety has a huge effect on my confidence, so in that same light I do continue to keep my awareness of a chemical imbalance under wraps with proven medical interventions.