I just got out of bed an hour ago. Keep in mind, sleeping and being in bed are oft times two different meanings for me. I wake up in the morning to let my dog out, and then feed her, and we go back to bed together. I sometimes feel guilty about it, but the truth is I have no need to feel guilty. I can sleep in if I want to, especially if I don’t have anything on my agenda beside hanging out with my dog.

For me, my life is continually under measure. I have lived a life of self scrutiny, most often negative as I reflect upon who I am in my 60’s. I find it difficult to give myself a break sometimes. I am responsible for who I am, no one else. People might have influenced me over the years, but the damage done is always my own. I believe karma has played a role in my struggles over my marriage falling apart, and my adjustment over the last five years. I have moments of clarity where I realize I have done a lot of good in my life, but sometimes those are rare reminders. I have a diagnosis I am comfortable discussing outside of this page. I’m still nervous of people’s perception, although as the years go by, I am less inhibited with talking about what my life really is in my eyes. Most people I don’t know would likely be surprised with my honesty, sometimes not realizing at all what I walk around with every day.

So many days are spent trying to find direction for who I am. I read a lot of literature about ‘being present’ and it all makes sense to me when I can really live it. I want to be remembered as someone who is and was passionate about the beauty of life. I have wonderful children that are essential to my purpose to go forward and live a reasonable life. But it is the skeletons that remain with me and hold the same power over me through various aspects of my life. Learning to let go is very difficult for me. I believe it to be letting go of my responsibility and living with what I carry around with me is and always will be challenging. That part of my life I am pretty clear.

So, my task for today is to clean my home. I’ve spent weeks thinking about it, now I’d actually like to do it and feel the beauty of accomplishment. Our lives are designed to find the positive in our lives, embrace it and trust it with every aspect of our being.