A few years ago, I knew someone that referenced our lives to contain around 25 remaining years. Why not enjoy that time rather than wear ourselves down with worry and concern, was a common thread in our conversation. I was relieved. I thought I could live a good life if I looked at things this way. Sure there were mistakes I made in life, but I’m still here, so if you look at that with optimism, it means I have another chance. Or in broader terms it meant I have my own chapters ahead, yet to be written. 

There are things I do today that are completely different than when I was younger. I recently got together with friends that took me on a boat ride. When I got in the boat I was clearly unsure of my steps, as the boat rocked with my weight. I felt like I could easily fall but I managed to plant both feet in the boat quickly. I stepped out of the boat with the same trepidation. Similarly I live in a second floor apartment. I like having the stairs because I suggest it helps me stay in shape climbing them every day. Recently, I’ve begun to notice I descend them with a bit of caution that I wouldn’t have thought about 20 years ago. That same feeling applied to getting in and out of the boat.

In my life today, I’m a bit fascinated with the idea that I am past retirement age. I’m sixty six years old, but my anxiety and self awareness still leave me feeling like I am fourteen years old. Research would suggest that I can maintain an age because of trauma in my life. So it’s not that I haven’t aged from fourteen physically, but mentally there are emotional aspects of my life that keep me in my teens. It’s sort of like realizing there are versions of my life still being defined by aging and evaluating what is important in my life.

Being able to define my life is difficult. I believe there is much ahead beyond simply aging. I think there are chapters waiting for me that I haven’t really considered until recently. I had a life changing experience a year ago that left me with questions of my mortality and how I will live out my final years. I don’t want to have a prolonged debilitating illness. I would like things to move quickly when it is my time to go. That’s how my dad went so I am hoping for the genetics I suppose. In the meantime I have to live my life as fully as I can. I’ve accomplished a lot over the years, and now I need to simply bask in the august of my life. I am constantly evaluating how. One could argue I am continually criticizing my outlook on my life, but I do occasionally have these moments of clarity that allow me to be intrigued with what is ahead.

This is another chapter or perhaps essay that speaks to my questions ahead in my life. I’m single and live alone with my lovely puppy. We are surely connected with each other. I often muse that my dog will carry me to 80 years old if she lives a good life span. Today, I am assuredly hopeful she will live out a healthy and happy longevity. It is her very existence now that gives me solace and hope for the future.