Always afraid …

I remember there was a time when I couldn’t move

stuck holding onto the metal railing,

looking about and wondering if anything might return,

any one might show their face again.

I remember always not knowing completely what it was

that she might sense,

that he might wonder and ask someone else again,

I always walked away,

without any solution beyond a confident smile,

unraveling slowly in a definitive manner

wondering if they really might be able to see my smile.

~

I could see it clearly in the mirror,

on the windows of a storefront,

so if I had such a candid view,

then what I noticed in their eyes,

just had to be true,

and with that I would walk away,

again thinking I understood,

but I still never ever really knew.

~

I remember riding the bus home

after another day of battle,

mining my way through a sea of faces,

I was looking out onto the horizon,

when I saw her walking along the street.

I could easily say hello, but instead,

I looked busy, with my best preoccupied

glance I could embellish at the time.

She later said to me at supper,

“I saw you today, you looked sadly contemplative.”

sadly i turned to her and smiled, and then I said

in a quiet whisper,

“that wasn’t me.”

~

*photo found on tumbler