Always afraid …
I remember there was a time when I couldn’t move
stuck holding onto the metal railing,
looking about and wondering if anything might return,
any one might show their face again.
I remember always not knowing completely what it was
that she might sense,
that he might wonder and ask someone else again,
I always walked away,
without any solution beyond a confident smile,
unraveling slowly in a definitive manner
wondering if they really might be able to see my smile.
I could see it clearly in the mirror,
on the windows of a storefront,
so if I had such a candid view,
then what I noticed in their eyes,
just had to be true,
and with that I would walk away,
again thinking I understood,
but I still never ever really knew.
I remember riding the bus home
after another day of battle,
mining my way through a sea of faces,
I was looking out onto the horizon,
when I saw her walking along the street.
I could easily say hello, but instead,
I looked busy, with my best preoccupied
glance I could embellish at the time.
She later said to me at supper,
“I saw you today, you looked sadly contemplative.”
sadly i turned to her and smiled, and then I said
in a quiet whisper,
“that wasn’t me.”
*photo found on tumbler