Haunting, perhaps a notion, angst, some feeling

of fear in the pit of my stomach,

that which I never want to return to again,

yet, I haven’t a clean slate,

I have human condition instead,

matched up with societal choices,

favors, friends, family,

all the different values of our history,

that open the doors,

and slam the locks.

So what is it I am afraid of,

will I return,

fall back into the trappings,

take a hit, belly up to the bar,

sniff with a following injection,

perhaps instead I might continue the fight

yet I am so tired, so very exhausted

by the reality of the game,

for it is that you know,

addiction,

the biggest fuck your head around I know,

yet, as long as I can still play,

I’m going to win,

take my losses and mount a force of reckoning

on such positive distributions,

that necessary energy,

to help me,

pause, to let me realize,

I can learn more, everyday,

I don’t ever have to stop

wishing successful.