The Night Before Surgery – Six months later

Around six months ago, I underwent open heart surgery. I speak candidly about this today, but the last time I posted here, I was imagining a surreal experience. At that time, everything in my life was surreal. I was starting another school year, but the next day, August 29th, I was about to meet with a surgeon that would consult me on a pending surgery just three weeks away. My school year would not be as I’d imagine. I remember at the time a friend of mine suggested I blog the experience. Looking back on the process, I did have a lot of time on my hands to write about the process, but the last thing I wanted to do was create a venue for people to feel sorry for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love attention, but to actually wish for people to show sympathy to my situation just seems a tad grandiose. I think I am too old for that attention.

So today, I am back to speak about my recovery from heart surgery. I feel like my life is about as normal as it can be. I still have bouts of depression. I continue to struggle with time management. I look at life experiences with the same nostalgia I have often looked through my life with.

The difference I suppose is that I am alive. I remember going into the surgery wondering if I would come out. I thought about putting a will together, but then, I decided not to out of fear. The fear was quite simply that I thought if I actually wrote stuff out it meant this whole process was real. And then, the day did arrive and everything became very real.

I woke up in the hospital feeling more physical pain than I had ever endured in my life. I opened my eyes to my wife Susan and children Alex & Libby. They were right there waiting for me to awaken, and I could see their tears but I felt so much pain I could barely acknowledge them. I remember at one time saying to Sue that she better tell her parents to go home because i wasn’t feeling up to it. Suddenly I realized I was feeling guilty for turning people away, even though I had just had my chest opened up and my heart physically massaged by human hands. Yet, I was feeling bad about turning people away. Perhaps, what I needed was to rest and recognize I had just had open heart surgery, and it was ok to withdraw into myself for a day or two.

That’s it for now. I’ll talk about that first night of recovery in my next entry. Good night.