Coming Home Again

When I was twelve, I found a copy of Thomas Wolfe’s classic, You Can’t Go Home Again, I remember being profoundly impacted by the title. Just the words alone made me wonder about home, and in my 12 year old mind I thought of my cousin Billy, who had just passed weeks earlier in a tragic car accident. He was a close friend, a cousin, and a model of a human being whom I aspired to, but whose magic had departed at an early age.

At Billy’s passing, the tragedy effectively shut me down, I was a ghost of myself for the next few months, and really didn’t have any clue what life meant to me anymore. I only knew that my cousin was gone, and I could no longer count on him to be there next to me as a child growing up in a confusing world. What used to be important to me suddenly didn’t matter. We were embroiled in the Vietnam war, and now all I paid attention to were the names scrolled on the news of the dead U.S. servicemen. Somehow I related that to my own loss.

President Nixon would resign in six months, Spiro Agnew already convicted, the political world that my mother paid attention to with every pundit’s prognostication began to have meaning in my life. I was raised in the 60’s so I already had experienced the loss of the Kennedy’s, MLK Jr., Malcolm X and countless others through the eyes of my older siblings and parents. Yet, as things settled, I kept still trying to figure out what Wolfe meant with that engaging title. So, I read the book.

I remember being fascinated with how fiction would somehow expose reality, how the community didn’t respond well to the writer’s focus, and the meaning began to take shape. For the next few years, my life evolved as a child turned troubled teenager in the city of Wausau, WI. I attended three different high schools, had academic struggles, dabbled in alcohol and drugs and was generally a classic mixed up kid with a lot of baggage that followed me until I could finally leave town. I moved to the twin cities and slowly carved out a world for myself.

Tonight, I return to Wausau four decades after I left, though I have been here many times since, I now have a better understanding of Thomas Wolfe’s meaning when he wrote his book. He didn’t necessarily intend to suggest he was ostracized or banished from his community, really more likely he was acknowledging that change is inevitable and we all must be prepared to accept the challenges that life might have in store for us.

Tonight, I drove into my hometown in the middle of a snowstorm. I drove past city markings familiar to my childhood, and realized while the snow fell as regularly as it did when I was twelve years old. I remember burying my cousin Billy in Minneapolis while snow gathered on the treetops along the winding roads around Lake Calhoun as we caravanned to the cemetery to pay our respects. I looked down 28th avenue as we drove into town, my home 40 years earlier, my life now settling into an early autumn. I realized I could come home again.

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Ode to a Beautiful Man

I knew a man,

when I first met him,

he scowled at me

because I hadn’t earned his time

his persona behind the bar

demanded a respect I wanted to gain.

I brought him records

I’d just picked up at the Inner Sleeve.

Tradition at the pub,

was to spin a new vinyl if the bartender

that would be, the man,

felt like taking the time.

I usually came in and got a beer,

and held onto my vinyl

never pushing it on him,

just waiting for him to notice.

He passed on a Nash solo, said no to ELO,

and then I brought in ‘After the Gold Rush’ …

~

I knew a man with a sardonic smile

he served me many a beer

at our favorite local mecca

The Scott Street Steak & Pub

he held court with a lot of faces

played a lot of discs on the table.

I felt connected the day he put

Neil on the wheel – smiled, and said

‘that’s ok’

~

I think as time went by,

I would visit Inner Sleeve,

just to bring a disc to Todd,

the man behind the bar,

the man I grew to know,

wise with a friendly smile,

one that would draw me to a fond

comfortable place in Wausau.

~

There’s a town I left behind,

I’ll miss the man I knew,

the man that played Mark Knopfler

one sunny afternoon,

and then looked at the kid at the bar,

and sneered with a beautiful smile,

‘that’s ok’