Days Beyond Surgery

Ok, so I will begin and acknowledge a heavy dose of narcotics did prevent me from writing for days. Tonight, I am sitting a week away from surgery and there has been a story I wanted to tell, just haven’t found the right words. This procedure I experienced has had a major impact on my life, more so than major heart surgery seven years ago.

When I first imagined this surgery I looked at it as rather simple, an in and out of the operating room and back to my world. I even planned to return to work two days later. Much to my chagrin my doctors and family both disagreed, and suggested I take the week off. As it turns out, they were all quite right, and tonight I’m sitting a week later preparing to return to my job after the weekend. What interests me the most though is how much I took rest seriously, rather than taking it for granted and soldiering forward, a preference of mine on previous occasions.

In my head, I figured this hospitalization would be routine. So what is it about this experience that has changed my thinking? I cannot think otherwise, beyond the notion I am aging, and now more than ever I need to actively take care of my body, and my state of mind.

This summer I experienced a great deal of lows, times where I felt exhausted, and seriously wondered how I might endure the next 30 years of my life. I certainly contemplated justifying my desire to not live out those years, imagining that people would be better off, after exhausting those I am closest to with all of my trivialities, my personal demons, my neediness. Those were dark moments in my life, I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, though I know we all have had our times. I chalked it to having too much time on my hands, and figured the school year would quickly bury all that vague ambivalence I walked around with every day. There are people I am close to that helped me work through some of those personal fears, and to them I will be forever grateful.

So, now I look at aging and my second major surgery in less than ten years. I am walking away from this one realizing there is a purpose to continuing to find care with my physical needs. This event in my life was not life-threatening, beyond perhaps complications down the road if I hadn’t gone through with it. So why am I so impacted? Only one reason.  I continue to have a purpose in my life.

I received excellent care when I was in the hospital. I’m always rather embarrassed to be in the hospital. I don’t want to be defined as somatic, or having needless medical care. When I really feel that I convince myself I’m taking someone’s bed that needs it more than I do. My diagnosing Doctor told me he disagreed on Friday morning. He said there wasn’t anything somatic about an enflamed gallbladder, and I did the right thing coming in. Suffice it to say walking around with pain for the last six weeks convinced me to be seen, and rather than finding a mass in my abdomen they found something tangible. They removed it, and now I go forward. But my perception is different.

The self-persecution seems much less relevant, and the need to live my life in as positive a manner as possible is now my goal as I move forward. Like I said earlier, my experience with the medical staff was incredible. They all were filled with compassion. In fact, I encountered three of my graduated students and I looked at them and their positive energy, and I truly believe they were brought into my life for a reason.

That reason at this writing is only to suggest we have a lot more ahead of us. All of us.

Numbing My Reality

Seeing hope in the eyes of death

Knowing love is an energy blessed

Walked into a room

Where he stood strong

Where she would laugh

Why tomorrow we will all cry

Is a measure

Conducive to living life

Accepting mortality

Turning anger to hope

For with every life

A new dawn prepares sunset

Our confusion

Begins evolution of time

The resurrection of hope

Suggests love.

A Lucky Man

The sound of impact,

and eyes wandering,

had their minds

been preoccupied

with alternatives,

might his need not arise,

until later on,

way beyond that moment,

when everyone gathered

in confusion.

The skies screamed home

to sit nearby,

gather together in tears

of joy, this is a happy time,

his eyes are glancing forward,

smiles and tears,

we are delighted,

again,

rather than

moving on.

5:30 AM

The morning dawn still veiled in black,

humanity in slow arrival,

a sterile environment,

low murmurs, occasional throat clearing,

expressive faces that suggest

one of two things only,

apprehension or task.

either way, it is apparent

for some not a typical day,

for other’s a certain service project

a life long dedication

to helping the apprehensive.

Listen to the sounds,

rolling wheels, steady footsteps,

occasional bells and maybe an early morning page.

I am here for you today my dear,

I am here to see you through the moment,

whereby we will allow medical science

to adjust your living toward a better freedom.