The Notion of Giving Up

I’m in a bit of a crisis, so I’m going to write from my heart. I don’t really know where this will take me, if only to let me vent some of my fears, and find some peace. I recently came to a conclusion about important aspects of my life, and a need to make significant changes. We sometimes are forced to make those decisions only because we have to go on with trying to become who we are meant to be.

I struggle with depression, I have all my life. In different periods I used self destructive measures to deal with my anxiety and the fears that came along with not feeling good about myself. My self confidence has always suffered, and there have been rare times when I could look in a mirror and be happy with what I might see. I find that to be part of the human condition that we all carry around with us. It is ironic, because I know people that will clearly say to me, I don’t understand depression because I have never experienced it, and I find myself walking away, feeling envious. I have to believe though it is true, and they are part of a fortunate lot.

In my life, I have been vulnerable to my own insecurities. There are things that bring me happiness, probably the greatest one I can reveal here, safely enough is the birth of my children. They are truly the most beautiful gift in my life, and I am blessed. My wife has been the caregiver throughout our marriage, and together we raised our children to be wonderful contributors to our society. I am proud of them and feel fortunate that we have been given this miracle of a healthy disposition in our family.

It wasn’t always like that. My own struggles with addiction have weighed heavily on the fabric of my marriage, my relationship with my children and my colleagues and friends. I have been lucky to find a supportive environment that helps me discover stability, but I have to admit, I sometimes need that 24/7 and when a significant moment occurs in my life, I become shaky and wish for negative outcomes, only those that would apply to me, no one else, I would pray would be impacted by my own faults.

This leads me to speak to this current crisis I am experiencing. I have found that my validation that I grew comfortable with for a period in and around nearly two decades has become a bit of a false pretense. I have no regrets, I just believe I have to move forward, and rather than smile at the fear I have when I am around people, I must find peace within my own mind. I think that is a difficult process when fighting with anxiety and depression. I think we tend to connect with those people that understand our moods, our emotions, our challenges. I think those people are important in our lives, and they sometimes come from unique avenues in our world that we choose to live in. I think our fear of losing that can really shake a person up.

I’ve wanted to give up so many times in the last 50 years, it actually has become a rather comical curse for me to carry around. I’m not suggesting humor necessarily as much as I am speaking to the circle of deceit I have left myself living in, rather than foraging forward to find a solution to my fears. I have had occasion where I really did want to check out, and I looked for ways that might be possible. Ironically today, the first thing I thought about when I was experiencing self-defeating ideas is my two children, my son in particular – his vulnerability seems a bit more apparent having suffered through the loss of people he has been close to in his life. I thought of my own impact being parallel to what he has already struggled through and the message that would leave him with being horrific.

Tonight, I read on my twitter feed a person who has pledged 22 days of doing 22 daily pushups to represent support for our military who live in a constant struggle with their own lives. The 22 represents the number of military personnel that take their lives every day. I thought about that and applied it to myself. I have not been in the military, I have not suffered to the degree that so many people around me have. I have only struggled with my own addictions and self-loathing but it really is nothing when placed side by side with someone that has had to endure far more challenge than myself.

So tonight, I am reflecting. I have been forced to move forward. I will not let depression continue to enjoy a stranglehold on my well-being. I experienced something this evening that literally tore me apart and left me feeling sick to my stomach. I will practice humility and grace as I move forward beyond my own self-aggrandizing behavior. I have a responsibility towards a world outside my own rollercoaster of emotion, and I might well jump on board and own myself.

I hope you have been listening, and for those of you that made it this far, I appreciate you. Thanks for coming along on the ride.


© Thom Amundsen 2019

 

Two Would Pass Together

(dedicated to the goodness of time, a friend and his family)

When in a moment we might reflect

upon the reason,

we could together share a memory,

the fleeting laughter,

we would do this together,

wouldn’t we create a scene,

a wonderful attribute,

of the years,

oh the many years,

the travels we knew

without ever having to leave our home.

 

In a sort of magical day dream,

we crossed so many paths as one,

and now today,

they celebrate a journey

oh for the love of our children

we do,

we will always,

we did for the span of a lifetime

hope and pray,

we might somehow find His way,

some way decide upon a natural course

of our lives

we would find

sweet serenity,

a mysterious energy,

one with love,

a compassion

we might give freely …

cherish the beauty of time.

 

For it is today,

we now togeteher

cross the sky

with a specacular

sunrise,

a setting moon,

in each adventure,

I might in the arctic

winter

share love as a soul mate

might find again,

discover the truth

was always within our dreams.

 

Peace be with the onlookers

for their journey just begun.

When Rounding Corners

Recall the velocity of our lives

while shapes and arrows aim high,

the low horizons remain like knives

keeping us grounded without deny

~

We can believe we are always free,

yet in a moment the trappings of love

ask us when we might remember we

were once listening to the cooing dove.

~

Speaks loud in wild and romantic tone

yet ascertains we might always know

that goodness and kind hearts have shown

our eyes will always with suggestion glow

~

We shine afar in the knowledge of time

let memory become a soft reality

howsoever worlds might measure thyme

in season meant to sweeten liberty

~

We have traversed so often our world

with wonder at the beauty surround

taking steps ahead that sometimes twirled

in the sheltered twines drawn around.

~

Know that in peace I reflect upon you,

given opportunity to suggest a free

notion pops me into the vacant blue

to give sweet solace in time’s decree.

~

I do recall simple soft, the beauty when there,

timid lights of mystery, your mystique I swear.

Letters from Home

When I was a child I had a good friend

who went to his cabin as time would lend

I remember a day when another neighbor

and I sat at our table to write him a letter.

We were barely 13 and I suggested we do this

as and act of kindness he’d remember later.

Back then when we took the time to write,

it only seemed proper and sort of just right,

to imagine that paper passing through many hands

to reach its destination having very little demands,

beyond the delivery in a private sort of manner,

saying hello from a couple of friends in the summer.

Nowadays I wonder how many people are better

without the time spent on writing that long letter.

Instead there’s a couple of keys to push to suggest,

we are putting our heart and soul into being our best

at greeting, at saying hello, at asking, how are you,

a click and the eyes are seeing words out of the blue.

I wonder if we realize the importance of our words,

when we simply throw them around in so absurd

a manner, that doesn’t allow a second thought,

just puts the notions out there – forever.

I long for a different time when I had to wait,

for the mail to arrive to see whether a mate,

had responded to my words whether they cared

or not, the physical action left me always prepared.

Today, there’s no need to ready ourselves for news,

seems we all have a hand in a quick text of the blues.

Happy to Know You

The other day I saw someone on the street

reminded me of when you and I were sweet

she smiled and laughed and postured well

to his eyes and manner, he felt a quiet swell.

I wondered about how these moments work

when two people can solidify a single quirk

that to the naked eye seems rather simple

yet together seems like that sweet dimple

that attracts our eyes when we fall in love

the notion of wondering if this came from above

I am happy to know you this time and before

when we both became lovers inside our own lore

seems we have to agree that time goes by

and we all live our lives without asking why

When the stars brilliant align and two lovers alight

will our hearts than our minds produce a new light.

Nature’s Clearing

three

We would then remember that summer day

When our lives wound serene along the trail

With all the world around love without fail

Would we understand how simple our way

~

Now recognize we each might contribute

New smiles that could lead quiet minds astray

Needless of concrete, cities while away

Note the autumn grain remains resolute

~

Our lives are one in the summer wind’s sail

Over hills nature’s melodic soft flute

Outside whispers the Earth; her desire’s root

Only in the sweet sounds of night’s prevail

~

See our passionate trio glance the path

Seeks elegance; smirking society’s wrath