Well, we are,
the next day or two,
are you ready,
do you have your favorite
mask.
Seems readily available
when the time is right,
nobody knows why
except last year
little Freddie …
well that was
one of those nights
he gets out of control
yeah but the kids,
they’re always there
always impressionable.
The food is ready,
let’s sit down and eat.
I am a happy man. In just a few short months I will be a grandfather. My daughter is about to have a child and I could not be happier. I’m scared too. I think that is a natural feeling to have for your daughter, your child, a parental instinct to care and protect. I love sharing the moment with her and the other day we had a breakfast together and as I looked at her across the table she had that beautiful glow and when I looked in her eyes I could see her happiness and excitement.
Ours has not been an easy couple of years. Her mother and I divorced a week or two before Covid so there were many aspects that were difficult and straining. She as my daughter had to deal with the difficulty of watching the bond of her mother and father collapse. She had to decide which side to take or whether to take sides at all. I struggled early on as I still do today but the common thread throughout all of it was that I did not want to lose my children or have them ever feel I didn’t care about their mother. Slowly over time that bond has mended itself well enough along the way to know that we can all still have lives together.
My daughter and I have always been close in a father and daughter fashion. She has always known I have her back and would do anything within my power to help make sure she is happy and safe. The divorce offered a wrinkle for me of a wonder whether that bond was destroyed. I walked around for a year or two believing it was as it should be because I took full responsibility for the divorce. I was the problem and I felt ashamed in the eyes of my children. I have cried enough to convince myself how important my relationship is with both of my children. Over time that has healed as well as it can, and we are again happy to see and know one another. She knows I care for her and I care for her mom but am accepting of the reality of the demise of our marriage. And then bring a new baby into the picture and the wow is wonderful.
My daughter married just over a year ago after a long term relationship with her new husband. They always wanted to have children but they were patient along the way. Once they married it was clear to begin trying. Her mother went over the moon with happiness when she found out her daughter’s condition. My ex has always loved babies and now to have one that she can call her own granddaughter gives her a happiness it must surely be hard to describe. My son as well is beyond words happy for his sister. As a prospective grandfather I feel much the same way.
So here we are in a new stage of our lives. I am happy to know I will be an integral part of my grandchild’s life and that there is delight and love all around us. We have a child coming in our future and all we need is to believe in the love that exists in family and childbirth. I remember when my daughter was born it was the first time I felt I had experienced in true form a natural miracle and now life comes full circle again. Embrace love.
It’s really late, it took me this long to decide to try to write my state of mind. We have a holiday fast approaching this week, and society is marooned by this awful Covid 19 virus. We have all made adjustments, trying to understand and convince ourselves that this is temporary. I wonder how my mom and dad might have felt when they both reached 82 and someone turned to them and said, this is only temporary, you have to keep telling yourself that. They both passed within their 82nd year, and temporary to them might have seemed a little ludicrous.
I’m 61 and sort of starting a new life, looking at something that affects us all that is thought to be temporary. Events and lives and needs are getting pushed ahead for months every few evaluative weeks, when once again we all realize we are not safe to go back to a world and lifestyle that we did take for granted. Gone is the typical in many lives as we adjust, as we make good on a promise that we will ride the crest of this wave for as long as it takes.
This is a time when we really do take a moment to recognize what it is we are grateful for. Across the nation throughout the world people have lost their loved ones and in America, there will be an empty chair in many homes, with everyone that remains trying to celebrate that life along with their own, appreciating each other and giving thanks for who we are, what we have become.
This one is different. We are guided by medical staff to stay isolated, to allow yourself to make decisions to keep you and your family safe. I’m a public school teacher, and I chose to stay home this year for a variety of reasons, number one being my health. I am quite healthy but in contrast I have had several surgeries within the last decade that might leave someone wondering about my safety around large numbers of students in my high school. I now sit behind my desk at home, dog laying by my side, and teach those children I would much rather see in the classroom.
Though that’s what I feel there is also the benefit some students are expressing over their ability to focus more at home than in the classroom. There is remarkable truth to that when we think about the amount of distraction young adults could potentially and do experience in a classroom filled to the brim with young adults, teenagers readying themselves to soon step into the world of adulthood.
Tonight these are just my thoughts as I listen to Jackson Browne and his hopeful lyrics and crooning voice in the background. So, maybe I do try to wax poetry in the twilight of my night, but it is what I feel and believe right now. I believe we are all in this together, and that philosophy will never get old even after we get this virus under control.
Our lives all depend upon being able to celebrate life together as one.
© Thom Amundsen 11/2020
I was listening to the rain outside,
a steady rhythm of a soft spring shower
the whistle of a train nearby,
reminded me of a man I love so dear.
I have watched him grow his entire life
a boy to a young man, such happens overnight
I see pictures and memories and I want to cry
for when might I tell him how grateful am I.
I’d like to remind him of all the moments he believed
even when I was a puddle of self agony and grieved.
I want him to know that quite honestly every night
while the whistle of the train plays the rains so light.
I love him, I’m so proud I may call him my son.
© Thom Amundsen 5/2020
for Alex
I have experienced loss this month, not simply grief of losing a loved one to the natural course of life. More presence and banishment. Not hostile as much as confusing. Many aspects of life have been exposed, many others kept in their dark holes of quiet solace from revealing my greatest fears. And yet there is the heartbreak of our lives that we always keep close to ourselves in order to find some sanity in our day to day.
I have known love on so many levels, and now I am being asked to love alone, without any recourse beyond knowing in my own seeming understanding of God or some spiritual entity that love does exist and continues beyond the mechanical or physicality of the human condition.
My belief is in God. I have kept that tucked away for many years because parts of our society do not accept the reality of some of our own ways to find personal strength in ourselves, in our lives. I remember a time over a decade ago when I was struggling and when finally coming to terms with whom I was in the moment, I sat in a chapel, looked at an altar and began to feel the tears stream down my cheeks. I didn’t hold back, I just let them fall, and the memories began to flood my mind. I thought immediately of my cousin Billy, who I miss so much, and my parents, and my childhood, and like a film reel my life ran its course of recall and redemption. I realized that morning that I could be okay with whatever decision I make in life because it is my own. I believed that day, that God was looking over me, and offering forgiveness. It felt unique in contrast to the many times I would on my knees or in a fetal position pray that God might take me out of this miserable life. That day God held my hand.
Recently I have returned to the church and it has offered me a unique peace. Though I still walk through my days with questionable motives. I have very good friends, a support system that is just short of phenomenal, but are we ever completely satisfied? There is a void in my life that I created on my own, that I find troubling because I fall into patterns of neediness that won’t allow that to be fixed. I have made a choice in my life that I could not possibly regret because moments do teach happiness and truth.
Today, my words gradually become more revealing. I hope they might speak the truth in what I feel, not simply words to fill the page and find reader’s eyes, but words that would somehow tell a story that when other’s hear, they have their own quiet ‘yeah’ moments. My mother always called them ‘aha’ moments, so I save her mantra for myself because I do love her and miss her dearly. With my dad the two taught us as a family how to live with one another no matter the struggle. We used to spend hours in debates with all of our family around the old oak table – freedom of thought without judgment. Something I miss dearly, but in writing we can find and use that venue to our own advantage to help define our thoughts.
So it has been a difficult month. I have returned to work in a capacity and the students are clearly my life blood. I see them throughout the day and their smiling faces is all a person needs in the moment. It is the hours afterwards that I will continue to struggle to find my own space, my own identity, my own truths.
© Thom Amundsen 2/2020
I’m in a bit of a crisis, so I’m going to write from my heart. I don’t really know where this will take me, if only to let me vent some of my fears, and find some peace. I recently came to a conclusion about important aspects of my life, and a need to make significant changes. We sometimes are forced to make those decisions only because we have to go on with trying to become who we are meant to be.
I struggle with depression, I have all my life. In different periods I used self destructive measures to deal with my anxiety and the fears that came along with not feeling good about myself. My self confidence has always suffered, and there have been rare times when I could look in a mirror and be happy with what I might see. I find that to be part of the human condition that we all carry around with us. It is ironic, because I know people that will clearly say to me, I don’t understand depression because I have never experienced it, and I find myself walking away, feeling envious. I have to believe though it is true, and they are part of a fortunate lot.
In my life, I have been vulnerable to my own insecurities. There are things that bring me happiness, probably the greatest one I can reveal here, safely enough is the birth of my children. They are truly the most beautiful gift in my life, and I am blessed. My wife has been the caregiver throughout our marriage, and together we raised our children to be wonderful contributors to our society. I am proud of them and feel fortunate that we have been given this miracle of a healthy disposition in our family.
It wasn’t always like that. My own struggles with addiction have weighed heavily on the fabric of my marriage, my relationship with my children and my colleagues and friends. I have been lucky to find a supportive environment that helps me discover stability, but I have to admit, I sometimes need that 24/7 and when a significant moment occurs in my life, I become shaky and wish for negative outcomes, only those that would apply to me, no one else, I would pray would be impacted by my own faults.
This leads me to speak to this current crisis I am experiencing. I have found that my validation that I grew comfortable with for a period in and around nearly two decades has become a bit of a false pretense. I have no regrets, I just believe I have to move forward, and rather than smile at the fear I have when I am around people, I must find peace within my own mind. I think that is a difficult process when fighting with anxiety and depression. I think we tend to connect with those people that understand our moods, our emotions, our challenges. I think those people are important in our lives, and they sometimes come from unique avenues in our world that we choose to live in. I think our fear of losing that can really shake a person up.
I’ve wanted to give up so many times in the last 50 years, it actually has become a rather comical curse for me to carry around. I’m not suggesting humor necessarily as much as I am speaking to the circle of deceit I have left myself living in, rather than foraging forward to find a solution to my fears. I have had occasion where I really did want to check out, and I looked for ways that might be possible. Ironically today, the first thing I thought about when I was experiencing self-defeating ideas is my two children, my son in particular – his vulnerability seems a bit more apparent having suffered through the loss of people he has been close to in his life. I thought of my own impact being parallel to what he has already struggled through and the message that would leave him with being horrific.
Tonight, I read on my twitter feed a person who has pledged 22 days of doing 22 daily pushups to represent support for our military who live in a constant struggle with their own lives. The 22 represents the number of military personnel that take their lives every day. I thought about that and applied it to myself. I have not been in the military, I have not suffered to the degree that so many people around me have. I have only struggled with my own addictions and self-loathing but it really is nothing when placed side by side with someone that has had to endure far more challenge than myself.
So tonight, I am reflecting. I have been forced to move forward. I will not let depression continue to enjoy a stranglehold on my well-being. I experienced something this evening that literally tore me apart and left me feeling sick to my stomach. I will practice humility and grace as I move forward beyond my own self-aggrandizing behavior. I have a responsibility towards a world outside my own rollercoaster of emotion, and I might well jump on board and own myself.
I hope you have been listening, and for those of you that made it this far, I appreciate you. Thanks for coming along on the ride.
© Thom Amundsen 2019
Sharing a story,
recalling a significant
rite of passage
in my childhood,
Not one I chose
I might be so
reminded.
One day,
her glance
a twelve year old mind,
frightened by tragedy,
submission to God’s plan,
a confusion,
yet her eyes,
would tell me a story.
I then
and forever
touched
would struggle my means
would understand
only a criticism
I would believe
in my own heart,
only to find,
years upon years,
I would recognize
her heart to be pure
holding firm
a supportive glance
in a time of sadness.
Oh, today,
I did cry,
I felt a passion
to share, to allow
a soul
might know
my own choices
in a life
where all of my instincts
tested
at a very young age,
one OI would choose
to live again,
a parallel life perhaps
touched by
happiness.
© Thom Amundsen 2019
Glance close in my eyes
will the love be receptive
is it as real as it feels inside
when upon your eyes
I look to see your truth.
If when I let you see me,
might the caution you feel
be my own strength of
wanting a world of respect;
in ignorance we know love.
In my eyes, is a forgiveness
for I human, my own insecurities
yet passion has been my hero
my family, my world is a design
beyond His how contains love.
Oh to know me smile, to laugh to cry,
sweet sister & brother – no family deny.
© Thom Amundsen 2019
I wrote this piece for this man’s family whom I went to high school with. I knew David to share a cup of coffee with him on occasion at the Croissant Express in Minneapolis back in the eighties. Always pleasant, always engaging, we held a natural affinity to our home town, Wausau, WI. I felt near his final years, I could call David my friend, such a beautiful young man.
I called my sister today,
before I even uttered a word
she asked me if everything was ok,
then in a gasp I tried to breathe
she said then, what’s wrong?
I called my sister today,
before I even uttered a word
I knew I could lose my shit
and she would think it be okay
she waited for me to breathe
I told her I was tired.
I called my sister this way
I knew she would hear what I wanted
to say yet her patience is my takeaway
she waited, she smiled, I could feel it,
I could feel her love, it’s just her way.
I took a breath, and our conversation …
In the matter of a phone call home
I discovered love is always on display.
How do you ask
Why do you ask
Well, I’m alright
yeah, I am.
We cannot predict this stuff
nod your head
show affirmation
let the tears come
think about …
children nearby …
grown adults
they’re watching you,
loving you,
thanking you.
Everyone in the room is
grateful
within the tears,
they are laughing together
celebrating the beauty of you,
you, today, embody love.
Today you shine
as much as any other day,
yet,
everyone with shielded eyes
is taking their moment
acknowledging your time
realizing how precious
life is today
while we bid adieu
some way away
we would ask, wish,
know.
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