It’s Christmas eve. I’m going to consciously not watch the news today. I slipped a little bit and read a post on Facebook that speaks to our current turmoil, but that will be it, just a couple glances at social media. In the meantime I’ll try to focus on what this day means to me.

I was raised Catholic. For those of you that do not believe in that faith or are anti-catholicism, you’re welcome to stop reading now. For me, my faith has always been with me. When I was a kid I didn’t understand faith or God. I asked my mom one day, what does God mean if we can’t really see ‘him?’ She told me simply that God is in us, and our actions and what we believe. So it was from that point that I began to believe that God was with me all the time, in good and bad.

In my teens and well into adulthood, I struggled with addictions. I did some things I’m not at all proud of, and the consequence of them weighed heavily on my frame of mind. When God came to mind all I really thought about was how I failed and was no longer being led by the Holy Spirit. I felt pretty awful about that, and I felt really sad. I really didn’t think I would ever be able to shed that guilt I carried everywhere with me. Today, things are a little different, so I have am more conscious of God’s impact on my life.

I was in voluntary treatment a couple of decades ago, I was lost, suicidal, hopeless to my future, feeling as if I had defeated all of my options. I felt so locked in I couldn’t really see any light. I gave myself to the treatment though, hoping something would stick. After a couple of weeks, I was doing my day task, and setting up the room for group therapy. I took a minute and read the steps on the wall, and one that stays with me today was to, Let God. I kept my eyes on it for a minute and felt them begin to well up. In a matter of a few moments, I was sobbing. The room was set up so I moved to my bedroom and shut the door, sat on my bed and cried harder than I had for years. It was almost an epiphany at the time. I felt God’s presence more than I had in twenty years. I suddenly realized that I could put it all in His hands and my life would begin to move toward peace again.

So tonight I’ll go to Midnight Mass to celebrate God’s impact in my life. I’ll feel at peace at the church I attend, and I will celebrate quietly with myself. That’s an aspect of my faith that can always use improvement. So tonight and tomorrow I will focus on what Christmas means in my life.

I’ll gather with my children tomorrow evening, and we’ll tell stories, laugh and exchange presents. It’s meaningful for me to have a relationship with my kids, and though I’m probably the only one in the group that celebrates the spiritual nature of this time, whatever the case, we will share love on Christmas night. The next day I will gather with all of my siblings and their families, as once again we celebrate love. So, beyond all the pomp and circumstance, suddenly it becomes clear that our reason for spending time with one another, goes far beyond the material nature of the holiday and more accentuates the beauty of living our lives together. 

I celebrate this holiday and your holiday that moves your own world.. 

Happy Xmas.