I woke up feeling a little blue this morning. Another reaction to the holidays. My family celebrates in multiple events now, and mine has always been Christmas night. I need to be thankful that I can gather with them at all.

What goes through my mind are events throughout my life. We have a large Irish family that have been gathering since my childhood. The memories are strong. Perhaps I feel a little lonesome for that time, and that’s all it really is. I did feel love throughout every aspect of my celebrations with relatives. Nowadays, we gather with everyone’s children and it is quite exactly as it was when we were kids. Lots of children running around and the parents together in the great room. We reminisce about our childhood together, and our grateful celebration of life today. We can sense everyone’s thoughts on aging and the mortality in our lives because we are going through it every day. Perhaps I should focus on my own reaction.

I have an immediate family, as split as it is, nonetheless. I have a relationship with my kids but not with their mother. It is still difficult for me after five years, because I still carry the guilt of the loss every day. I’ve made adjustments but it’s difficult. I’ll never return to the 30 years we had together. The truth I would like myself to recall more is that I wasn’t happy for a decade, so why hang on to something I no longer want. I suppose the emphasis is my feelings with my relationship with my kids. I am in a secondary role with their lives, and I guess that is up to me to process through that feeling.

The conclusion I find is that my blues are up to me. I can feel the direction I want to go to reduce the sadness that could come with this anniversary, but I also know it is difficult to make steps in the right direction. Part of me wants to grieve, I suppose because I can really feel it and it helps me process through the memory. I’ll need to keep allowing myself to feel along with the effort on my part to view my life ahead and not dwelling on the past.

Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.