I’m going to try to tell you a little story. The holidays can have a unique impact on our lives, for so many different reasons. They could be gains and losses that accumulate around the Christmas holiday. We sometimes will lose people at the most poignant times of the season, and with all of the festive nature around us, we might feel guilty for not celebrating. For some it is difficult to do just that, the pain might far outweigh the pomp. 

I spoke to a friend tonight about his plans, and he told me it is his most exciting time of year. Rather than feeling pinched by that expression, I instead tried to listen to his celebratory manner. It made me stop and think what energy I am putting into my own.

I unfortunately have a tendency to go down that path of what hurts me around the holiday. It brings everything to the forefront. I’ve lost people around the holiday, those that were and are dear to me. One of the greatest struggles I have around this holiday is the anniversary itself represents the end of my marriage. My ex waited until the day after Christmas to let me know she was leaving. She claimed she didn’t want to ruin Christmas. I found it ironic and telling, because now every Christmas the first thing that comes to my mind is how I destroyed my marriage. So I guess she got her way. I proposed to her on Christmas day, decades ago.

I lost a cousin when I was young. We were five months apart and he died on the 3rd of December, two weeks before we were all going to assemble for Christmas. We gathered sooner to offer him a memorial and a catholic burial. I was twelve and for the next forty years, I thought about his loss around the holiday. I’m pretty sure that changed my life and it took me a long time to recover. So add that to my litany of mishaps throughout my life, and I guess I have a pretty good argument for abandonment issues. That’s something that when the holidays come around, it rears its ugly head. I’m left in a funk by my own doing, so my friend reaching out with his holiday cheer really set the tone for me to raise my own awareness of this time of year.

I guess what I am trying to do is explore what my feelings are like around the holiday. I’m usually pretty down and morose, but this one not so much. I have a new life now, and a wonderful dog as my companion. A lot of little things that never rolled off me, do so in an exceptionally peaceful manner. My greatest concern now would be my children and my grandchildren. As long as I have them in my life I should be happy right? Well, it takes a lot of effort on my part but they are my goto when I think about how to map the years ahead.

I wish you all a peaceful holiday. No matter how you celebrate, love yourselves.