I find it difficult sometimes to identify exactly what it is that can affect my frame of mind. Today, I came home around 11 AM and decided to go back to bed for the afternoon. I got up at 9 AM and went to breakfast with a friend. From there I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I was comfortable just checking out for a few hours with my dog. It turned into four hours and I crawled out of bed at 3 PM. I think while I was laying in bed, fighting to return to my dreams rather than wake for the day, I knew that something was wrong. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all, and my self criticism began to take hold.

I’m on the verge of tears. Everything I do seems to return me to that vulnerable state of mind. I’m happy the only witness to my seeming pain is my dog, who just looks at me with puppy eyes, just wanting to be loved. She does help me get through things, she is truly unconditional love. If I didn’t have a dog, I would sit alone for hours out of a day.

This is what it is like to be caught up in the throes of depression. I think of my children, my broken family, my siblings and their children and grandchildren. Everyone in my life passes through my mind, and all I can feel is failure and guilt. It makes my days so hard, I just want to sleep it away. Thus my morning. The truth is these are my thoughts. They’re not always right, but they do exist, and it’s up to me to throw them away, as difficult as that is. I am fortunate that my family does know the concept of love. That keeps me going.

The purpose of this essay is the exploration of how depression does encompass my day. I can have wonderful things happening in my life, but if I wake with a yearning state of mind, I can quickly escalate and nearly fall into a physical coma with my anxiety. I think that is the biggest piece, my anxiety that drives my confidence into the ground. I relive all of the struggles of my life, and it is unnerving how deep into this frame of mind I can fall. It is at moments like this that I know are strong influencers on my ability to function in a positive manner. It’s that piece I respond to when I give myself a chance. It is that piece of my life that gives me purpose.

This is my exploration into how depression is a genuine factor in my life. Thanks for listening and I assure you, I will continue to explore this impact on my life. I’m not asking for feedback, I’m just trying to delve into the things that do affect my quality of life. I am fortunate to have many people in my corner that keep me accountable.