I can get hit hard, and it comes out of nowhere but gradually takes over my frame of mind. I’m out on the deck with my dog and with her loyalty, sometimes that keeps me going. I’d hate to abandon her. We slept in today, and it felt like it was needed. I went to bed late last night, so I gave myself the time off this morning. Today, I just want to talk about how my moods affect my state of mind. I know how thoughts can determine mood, and that is the challenge. If I let myself fall into an abyss of negative emotions, feeling sorry for myself, then my day goes by without a lot of productivity. That’s something I have been exploring a lot of these days as I settle into my daily routine in life. I think it’s easy as I’ve said to fall into a pattern of strict criticism without looking at the whole picture. We need to leave a little room for our growth.

Coming to terms with my identity has always been a high priority for me. I know my flaws at the same time I know my accomplishments, so the trick is deciding between the two which one I am going to pay attention to in my days, weeks, months ahead. I think it’s easy to trap ourselves.

There are a lot of things I do to protect my sanity. Writing is a major piece. Trying to formulate this as an essay rather than a cry out is always my goal. Though there may be a lot of self effacing, I think the ultimate goal is exploring how I manage to be good to myself, and recognize effort and its value in our lives. I care a lot about what other people think, certainly too much sometimes. I do care a lot about people.

I think it’s easy to justify our behavior if we think we are entitled. In my world I’ve always wondered about that confidence and how it plays a role in our lives. In my relationships I’ve always tried to give an audience to the person standing next to me. In my marriage that mindset slowly drifted apart as the years went by. So now for the past few years, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around how often I place my needs ahead of someone I’m close to. It became a dealbreaker in my marriage and every day of my life now, is a measuring stick.

Today all my energy goes into letting my dog live a quality life. When my marriage ended I had another dog that a friend had given me. He became too big for my space so I had to give him up. I was fortunate to find a rescue family with their own Bernese so he adjusted well with the adoption. I was fortunate and only wanted the dog to know quality of life rather than abandonment. I will always hope that was the case. Years went by and I decided I wanted another dog. I decided upon a golden retriever as she would be about a quarter of the size of my first dog. It was an important decision as I didn’t want to get tired of them as time went by. It’s been two years now and as I’ve said my dog is my saving grace. We walked a hiking trail today and she had a good time, and I got a little exercise as well. So tonight I’m just finishing this up before I go to bed. I’m much more satisfied with my day than I was in the early morning.

I really think it goes back to the essence of our acceptance of our lives. I have things I am not happy with, not proud about, but then I also have a lot to be thankful for. I have healthy children, and now grandchildren to love. My dog of course is a major part of my life. Funny with a family you have lots of people to raise and train a dog. Living alone is clearly different with raising an animal, but we do pretty well. The acceptance piece for me is important because it allows me to move forward, and though I regret aspects of the past, this is who I am now, and building upon that is my reflection that is far more soothing than a life of overwrought negativity. In my efforts, finding the positive in my life is a hugely important tool that lends to my well being. 

I went on a journey with my words today. Hope I didn’t ramble too much. Good night.