(A disclaimer, my writing is exploring my moods. I am stable, just brainstorming.)

When I was a kid, my mother struggled with diabetes. She didn’t struggle as much as it just changed her lifestyle in dramatic ways. Rather than just simply living life, she had to concentrate on how she maintained a lifestyle that would keep her healthy. Every now and again, she would have bad days. When she was conscious about it around us, her kids, or her husband, she would call it a low. Usually it had to do with her blood sugar, but her low meant she just wasn’t having a good day. So we would be extra conscious of her needs until she regained her balance.

I’m feeling kind of ‘a low’ tonight. I’m not diabetic, I’m just a human with a downcast view on life for the moment. I’m replaying my world, a few minutes at a time. I am evaluating how I spend my day, my hours of the day. I just laid down for about an hour, until I got up again because I’m hungry. So now I’m having a late dinner, frozen lasagna, the kind I didn’t have to make. Just slapped it in the microwave. I’m hopeful that will bring me out of my low, the way my mom addressing her diet would challenge herself. I’m looking forward to eating soon.

It’s funny how my moods will run, one day to the next. Today I’m feeling a little lonely, like I have too much time on my hands. I slept late this afternoon, preferring my dreams to facing the day. My dreams always fascinate me, even though I can’t remember them the next day. So tonight, here I am deciding upon how I might analyze my current frame of mind. It’s 9:30 and I just finished making dinner, and now I have the news on in the background. I often use music as a backdrop, just don’t feel like it tonight.

So, the truth is my lows are depression. I’ve spent the day just going through the motions, and now, I scan the channels on the TV and nothing jumps out at me, that was my motivation for hitting the bed for a couple more hours this evening. We’re getting to the point where I’ll decide to watch a movie or just go to bed. The latter will probably happen with a movie in my bedroom. The other day I was going to write something about waiting, and that’s kind of where I am now. I’m just waiting for something to break the trance – maybe hear from someone, have my thoughts turn to a positive energy so rare on nights like tonight.

This is something I want to explore in the months ahead. Call it anxiety or depression, either one can be debilitating in its own right. As I’m writing this, my awareness has naturally increased, so I’m just kind of letting my words go. Times like this, I want to feel like there are worthy things in my life. My children, my grandchildren, my dog, my siblings. I think about this stage of my life and I just don’t know what is ahead of me. Am I going to outlive my siblings, or depart sooner than them? I’m locked into living my life and not copping out, but those are the thoughts that go through my mind. Those are the thoughts that manifest my excitement, stability, or depression, my low.

Ok, my lasagna is ready. Have a good night and thanks for reading.