If someone were to deep dive into my writing they would probably have a reaction of concern. The truth is this is just an avenue to express my frame of mind. Sometimes I am really flying and other times simply fleeing from my fears. I need everyone to know that this is just an examination not a scream for help. When I think of that latter I often imagining writing a book that does explore that tendency in my life to live on the edge.

Today it’s a holiday, and that always factors into my mindset no matter if I want it to or not. I divorced five years ago, and it was probably the worst period of my life beside a couple of early childhood experiences. Even though I wasn’t happy with my marriage there was still a sense of stability that I grew to count on, and probably as life happens, took for granted. I remember the first couple of years being miserable having lost everything I loved, including my children and dear friends. I spent most of my days sitting in a chair in my apartment wondering how everything snowballed into the reality I was now experiencing at the time. I managed to find bicycling that put me in the best physical condition I was in my life. That exercise left me in a different state of mind, one that probably kept me optimistic during a very difficult time.

So, today I know I have all of those opportunities but sometimes I fail to use them for the valuable lessons they are. I call it my depression that takes me deep down a scary rabbit hole. When I’m in there it is difficult to find anything positive in my life. People will tell me I’ve done a lot, but I personally find it hard to believe that. One thing that frustrates me more than anything is when people label me a victim in my personal outlook on life. I really don’t believe I’m a victim. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life – stupid, ignorant, embarrassing, and yet here I still am. If I were truly a victim I would have sought out terrible outcomes a long time ago, but I can’t do that, I cannot become a hypocrisy of what I believe in, but sometimes it is so hard to go forward I do come up with dark solutions, but I’m pretty confident I am too scared to do anything stupid. So I just wait and pray for natural consequences.

Those consequences might take twenty years. They’ve taken sixty five thus far so I guess my premonitions are probably accurate. Those that read this far, I appreciate your time, and just please know I am just trying to get things off my mind. That’s what I do here. My poetry, my words, are not a desperate cry for help, they’re simply an ability to really connect with where my mind is in the moment, and sometimes find a solution to push forward with. Thanks.